No. You can’t have it

The perils of backing up hit hard here this week. Not us as an organisation or us as an IT team but one of our users.

Just after half past eight he came in. “Am I too early?” he asked. He looked devastated, distraught even. “ I think it’s all gone pear shaped. Please can you help.”

He passed me his Macbook and told me that it wouldn't start. It had started fine the day before but not today. What could I do to help?

So I started  trying to get it to boot into safe mode, single user mode, I reset the PRAM, all the usual stuff without success. He was sat next to me getting more and more worried so I sent him away and told him to come back again at lunch-time.

I hit Google and tried to find information about Macbooks that didn't start and just had a white screen. I read through many pages of junk and a few of interesting stuff but nothing of any use.

At one point I looked back at the Mac and it had a folder icon with a flashing question mark in it like this

It had taken a seriously long time to get to that point and I knew at that moment that things were bad for this mac! Here is the Apple Support Article

I went back to the Mac and started it from the CDROM with a system disk. It took an age to start again and I opened the disk utility to try and repair the disk. It came back with one of my favourite errors

Volume could not be repaired because of an error

A particularly useful error message that one! It was apparent that the disk was FUBAR so I called the user and told him it looked like I would have to send the offending machine off to be repaired and that he would lose his data. he asked me to find out whether it was possible for him to get his data recovered and I said it would cost and I didn't think that the IT manager would authorise it and it would probably have ot come out of his department budget. He said to find out anyway,so I called the local Apple Repair store as the Uni buys 3 year warranties with all the laptops.

They agreed with my diagnosis although I think they worded it diffferently! So we arranged to get it couriered over to them and they checked the serial number ot see if the warrranty was valid (it was) and I asked about data recovery. Oh yes they said, we can send it off to our data recovery specialists and they can analyse it for you to see if we can get your data back.

How much I said.

£125.

To get the data back?

No, just to see if they can, they will then give you a quote for hte actual retrieval. My colleague said he rememebered the last time someone had a quote it was in the region of £300 (that was after the initial analytical fee)

Thats a bit steep I said, could you just send the old disk back and I’ll give it to the user and he can go and see if someone can retrieve his data for less than that.

Sure, if you pay for the repair.

Eh?

If you pay for the repair you can have the disk back, but if you get it repaired under warranty we keep the disk.

So if I want to get the disk back to explore other options we have to pay for the repair (which I could do here although I would void the warranty) or we can get the disk replaced and the system set up for free and are only allowed to access one provider for data recovery.

Seems a bit wrong to me that they take away my users data and wont let him have it back to try and access it.

Anyway todays, yesterdays, tomorrows and every day forward the lesson is

If you do not back it up AND keep your back ups safe and check that they are ok

YOU WILL LOSE EVERYTHING

Can you risk it?

For your business?

For your photos of your babies, dogs, fish, gardens whatever

Your book, your articles, your love letters from your girlfriend

If it is important then for fecks sake

BACK IT UP

 

Reading Week – Dreary Week

The students have only been back a few weeks and already they get a week to do nothing errr sorry to read some books. It has left the place like a ghost town. Having just got used to the hustle and bustle of having the students around, the squawking and the guitar playing, the groups of smoking types and the one’s that dance, its all gone quiet.

Of course, the academic staff have used this to……………… well to dissappear actually. Not a single one have I seen all week. A couple have phoned up from home but thats about it. I know that this means that on Monday we will inundated with requests for immediate action for things which could quite easily have been done this week.

Its been dull, really dull, mind-numbingly boring in fact. I have hit a ceiling in my attempt to be the best Bejewelled person in the whole of Facebook. Thanks to Doctor Beatnik I have still yet to become champion of the world at Stick Cricket. I have read some books and done some online coursework for my next IT exam and really managed little else of note.

But I do like Windows 7 – I have spent some time fiddling about with it and getting it to do what it is that I want and must say that I am quite impressed with its ease of use and the way things just work.

I have also created a new desktop which also becomes my screensaver as well, a dig at those that moan.

Sticky Saab Dashboards

 

Its the end of the week.

Its the end of the month.

I haven’t blogged much at all. Its been busy and I have had little motivation to do so.

We bought a new car, a saab 9-3 2.2TiD, thanks to the taxman letting me save money for the past years with them, although I notice that they dont give me any interest!

They had overcharged my tax about 18 months ago or possibly a little longer and I had rung them every 3 months or so and they said either the overpayment would be taken off my current taxes or that I would get a cheque. Neither of these happened.

The next time I rang they said oh yes you will get a cheque, I dont know how much but I will send you a letter. Sure enough a letter arrived saying that I had over paid my tax and it would be repaid by me not paying as much tax. Fair enough.  In the same post there was another letter saying I had over paid my tax and they would be sending me a cheque in the next few weeks. This letter had a different amount on it but still, fair enough.  In the same post was a cheque. I opened the letters in that order too, otherwise I would have got very confused!.

As the Renault does 32 mpg and I drive about 100 miles round trip to work every day, we thought it best to find a more frugal motor. I ummed and ahed about it as usual and then one day on the way home went and test drove the saab, arriving home in it and surprising ‘er indoors who then drove it back to the garage. It had done 150,000 miles but has full service history and seemed fine and should do more than 40mpg hopefully 45, so we bought it and although we have had a few niggles it is all ok.

I spent last weekend putting in my Ipod controller and display so I can change tracks without killing myself. The electrical bit  was fine but could I get the display and the controller to stick to the dashboard? Could I hell? It disposed of the double sided stiky tabs without a second glance (or even a second). It laughed at double sided sticky tape although that did take a little longer. Double sided carpet tape went by the wayside too until I came across no more nails double sided sticky tape ready to hold 50Kg stuck to anything.

Except Saab dashboards apparently. The controller stuck fine and has stayed there but the display would not stick on the vertical surface even though it does not weigh very much. In the end I changed where I was going to put it and stuck it on the horizontal part of the dash and it is there if a little wobbly!

Oh the joy!!!!!

As the aerial was bust I had had no sound for a week in the car and to drive around with some music on was a great pleasure. I also bought an audiobook from itunes an Ian Rankin one and have listened to that on my way home most evenings and thoroughly enjoyed listening to it. Strangely, everyone I have mentioned this to has said oh no that would send me to sleep, I couldnt do that and drive. I on the other must be wired differently (yes yes I know) because I enjoyed Gravy’s adventures very much although i do like Ian Rankins books.

I had made a playlist of bouncy tracks to listen to in the morning on the way to work but by today I was fed up of it so I had alook through adn decided to listen to Pyromania

“Just when it seemed like synthesizers had taken over the airwaves, along comes Def Leppard with Pyromania, a heavy-metal album full of brawling guitars and boasting state-of-the-radio production. Steve Clark and new member Phil Collen's fat fuzz riffs and power chords are more emotionally charged than most of the synthesized disco that passes for "modern music," and Robert John "Mutt" Lange's work behind the board brings singer Joe Elliott's screaming vocals into focus.”

said Rolling Stone Magazine. and I agree

Rock Rock Till You Drop and I’ll be back

The Moon and the Clouds

 

ruined our viewing of the Perseids meteor shower.

The bastards!!

I dream of taking photos like these

http://www.flickr.com/search/?q=perseid&z=e

Unfortunately all I got was a hundred photos of black. Even with some Photoshop trickery all I got was some black images with a few white bits.

However all was not lost. We did see about a dozen shooting stars including two that travelled more than half way across the sky before the clouds came in on Tuesday.

Because the moon was rising early and was quite bright it washed out the sky meaning that the smaller shooting stars were not so visible thats what you get with a waning gibbous moon you know

Tonight we will try again. We shall take the dog to the cricket field and lie on a sleeping bag and drift away looking at all that is far away and feel very small. I look forward to it immensely

There is something wonderful about just sitting and waiting for the universe to entertain me. Without any outside influence from ‘the media’. Watching the amazing show made up of tiny little particles, the remnants of the beginning of the universe travelling behind the Swift-Tuttle Comet hitting our atmosphere at speeds of more than 100,000 miles per hours and burning to nothingness.

A joy it is to watch the sky and see nothing but stars, maybe a plane, a satelite if you look carefully or maybe one of the planets and then WHAM there it is a streak across the sky. A small one normally gets a “One over there” whilst a larger particle which leaves a long streak across the sky that can last for many seconds will get OOOO’s and Ahhhs and there is no doubt that everyone saw it.

So go out and look at the sky for a while. It is a stunning experience.

Read your email

Due to the unplanned nature of our teams attitude to upgrades or changes, nobody had thought it nessecary to inform our users that there would be changes to the way they would log onto the network and their webmail.

As we needed to do these changes I decided to send out an email to this effect :-

“We are making some changes to the wya you log onto your computers at XXXXX and your webmail over the next few weeks.

Should you find that you cannot log onto your computer follow these steps (change domain name and log on as usual and wait for me to come and sort out outlook)

Should you find you cannot log onto webmail, go to this address and type in newdomain\username and there you go.

Please print out this email or forward it to your personal email so that you can access it at the point you cannot log on.”

Simples

Oh no. Firstly can I just say that these people I am emailing are, in general, teaching degrees, masters and PhD’s. Clever folks.

I get an email (from current webmail system) saying I cannot access this new email and I really need to get at it, I can’t be without access to my email as I am in China and must keep in contact with all my students and colleagues. So I explain that she won’t be able to access the new system until her account has been migrated.

But I need access now, she says (in her email from the current webmail) I can’t wait, I need to be able to get to my emails its very important (she says in her email from the current system where she can still access her email and stay in contact)

For fucks sake – just read what I wrote – you are not stupid (I wish I had written) You HAVENT been migrated yet (so you can still access your emails the way you always have) and when you have been migrated you can use these instructions to get at your email without delay.

GRRRRRR moan wimble whinge grumble groan mutter to self about usuless stupid clever people who CANT READE

Thanks – she said – that makes it clear I understand – you are ever so helpful.

Luckily, another happy user. Me, hair pulled out, eyes glaring, need to go out for a smoke to calm down. Other users weren’t so happy tho :-(

Days of Rainy Sunshine

So summer is here and we are enjoying warm temperatures and sunshine.

Oh wait,    sh1t,   no we are stuck with days of warmish, humidity and intense rain showers.

Yesterday, for example, I went over to the part of the campus which involves walking across a field (well its quicker than walking all round the roads). It was sunny.

I finished a job installing some software and left the building. Tipping down, absolutely lashing down. So dark you almost need a torch. Unreal, so that was me sat steaming for the rest of the day, as it then brightened up.

Ain't climate change great? Where's the summers gone like 76 or was it 77. Days and days of blazing hot sun and fun. Mind you I was only 5 or 6 but remember my dad getting really badly burnt :)

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Even the professionals get like it

Goddamn fecking thing - why oh why won't you just do what I want and stop annonying me

NO I do not want xyz extra thing with its added information passing scripts sending 'anonymous' data. I just want that file/program whatever.

NO I do not want to send Microsoft an error report

NO I do not want to have to click on a prompt to install something on my own computer using my own acount which is an ADMINISTRATORS account so why do I need another feking click just to do something Grrrrr

but today I had all but given up the hope of ever accomplishing what I intended.

A simple process. Install Office 2007 on my machine so that i can get used to it before we roll it out ot everyone in a couple of months

So I point my lickle mousey over to the file share where office2007 setup lives, happily munching away on bits and bytes and double click setup.

Please wait whilst Setup is configuring. Okay tahts cool.

Then nothing. The window dissappears and there is no clue that anything is happeneing at all.

WTF

Where'd it go? Whats happeneing? Is it doing anything? I like to kno these things.

Hmmm, click setup again and it says only one instance of setup can be running at a time. funny. real funny.

Typically, the phone then rings, someone needs something, several things get opened, mainly left open then pop something somewhere goes bangpop (DCOM event viewer tells me) need a restart, which tho I don't know it yet buggers the install of 2007 because when i restart it says please repair your installation of office 2007.

OK so I click and I choose repair and it fizzes and whizzes, this time with a window tlling me it is doing stuff, which I like, it makes me feel safe and secure that things are happening in the proper way.

Cool and groovy I get to play with Office 2007 and set up outlook and it dosnt even need any input it just opens straight away (well after a few seconds of configuring) and displays all my email, a couple of shared mailboxes and calendars, my data files, global address book th works, magic, lovely great.

Automatic updates finds things for office 2007 which need a restart so i restart and when i do I open outlook and

outlook has turned into outlook2003 and can't open the files that 2007 created. What.................The.......................FECK

The installation of Office 2007 didnt remove 2003 (why should it dimwit?) So when i started outlook it started 2003 and cocked up. So i uninstalled 2007 and then i uninstalled 2003 and then with it all clean I installed 2007 again and the automatic updates came back and it needed a restart and

WHAT THE FECK

Fecking office FECKING 2003 is back FECK FECK FECK FECK

D'Oh

We have a group policy that ensures that all computers do their windows updates from our own server and that also includes the office2003 updates. It was historically used to roll out office 2003 and so whn we build up a new machine w just drag it into that OU and let it do its stuff. Obviously my machine was in that OU so I moved it out of that and it STILL didnt frigging work.

In the end I had to take the machine out of the domain and then back into the domain again for it to work

GRRRRRR - even we have our days :-)

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A wonderful wedding

My bestest bestest mate in the whole world got married and it was a great day. I had asked him what he wanted me to wear as best man and he said whatever I like.

So I thought suit.

Not my usual wear but I was happy enough with that. I had worn it only a few months earlier to my interview so I didn't even think about it till the morning, Shaved, showered and ready to go I put on my shirt and tie and then oh shit my trousers don't fit. Too many pies well probably too much gack in the evenings watching TV to be honest but there we go. Nothing I can do about it at that time with only half an hour or so till we leave so my lady said try your chinos they're a bit looser.

Not looser enough it seems for my expanding girth! 4 sets of trousers later I resorted to the trusty black jeans, shirt and tie and suit jacket combo. Not forgetting the ever present shades

Crossing the road I saw a cool black dude with a funky hat.

 I nodded to him (cos I'm nice like that) only to find that 2 minutes later he is there at the wedding too :-)

Waiting around taking photos of guests and then we amble up to the little room in the registry office where the wedding is to take place and it is quite a small one. 3 rows of chairs and not enough for every one so I end up standing in the corner with Kathryn the other witness whilst the registrar organises it all.

The bride came in with tears and many of the female guests joined her. She looked really pretty in her green dress and the groom looked dashing in a mod suit :-)

The words were lovely just what they wanted and as is always the case the service itself was over all so quick. Outside we went and took plenty of photos although I tried to take photos of the photographers taking photos.

Then off to the pub convoy style. A lovely pub out in the countryside, modernised but not in a bad way after a fire gutted it. Stepped over the well and nearly crapped myself as my brain registered that I appeared to be standing on nothing above a 30 foot drop. Luckily the reinforced glass saved me from a drenching but still, I avoided walking over it again.

Auntie NamNam was there with her face painting kit and the poor woman didn't get inside the pub for ages as she painted flowers, butterflies and monsters on the children's faces. Brill she is, they looked fantastical and uberwunder. She also painted a face onto the back of my head which caused much amusement to all.

Spent an age yacking with B More. Interesting conversations from batty to deep. Interrupted by a flower faced girl saying Traci would like a coffee when you come in. More yacking and general hilarity before petal cheeks returns to utter the line

Traci would quite like her coffee                NOW

Ah blast, damn, quick, off to the bar I go, order coffee only to let it sit on the bar for another 5 minutes whilst I natter with the groom before dashing over to pass the coffee to my patiently waiting wife.

The hungy monster was eventually placated and wow what a meal. I had Gammon with egg pineapple a HUGE mushroom on one plate with another two side dishes one with hot freshly cooked crispy chips and one with cauliflower cheese and cabbage. Masses of food and wonderful it was tasty, fresh, hot and I enjoyed every bit.

Time was getting on and after a trip back to the grooms house to help put the ducks and chickens to bed I made my best mans speech HA HA I should say this but I'm not allowed, I should make rude jokes but I'm not allowed so heres to the bride and groom. Cheers

Off home we went tired but happy and contented after a fab day watching two very lovely and special people make their promises to each other in front of their special peoples. It doesn't get any better

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Passwords and sharing everything

I wonder if you can help she said.

Sure that's what I'm here for. What can I do for you?

So and So didn't print out her marks ready for this meeting and I can't get hold of her to get her password. Could you tell me what her password is so that I can get this document.

I'm sorry I can't do that

But I need this, like now, for this meeting. She should have done it yesterday. It doesn't matter anyway, I used to know what her password was till you made us change it every month. Can't you just give it to me? She only works part-time and this is always happening. I need to get to that file right now. Oh I wish she'd answer her phone. Couldn't you jut give me her password and then change it for her.

I'm sorry I can't do that. I don't know what her password is and there is no way I can find out. I should be able to get the file for you anyway. Whereabouts are you?

Two minutes later I get a phone call. It's ok, you don't need to bother. I've got the document now.

I didn't ask and I don't want to know. There is only so much that we can do here in IT. We appear to be making it difficult all the time.

Passwords must be more than 8 characters long. Must include 3 of four types of characters : little letters, big letters, numbers, characters. Passwords must be changed every 42 days. Passwords cannot be the same as any of the last 24 passwords. Passwords must not include any account details forename surname etc.

For the users this seems to be so much trouble especially when they feel that they only need their passwords to access their email or Company specific sites.

But there are so many other factors. Passwords give users access to their own folder on the file server where they are supposed to store all their personal files. Also access to the teams folders for access and storage of team specific documents. It authorises use of various printers depending on where in the organisation and which team they work. This can be so that they can print to the printers in their building and not print to somewhere 15 minutes walk away (although that does happen) but also so that their printing costs can be allocated to the right budget. Passwords give access to team storage folders. They will give access to areas of the sharepoint server (if it ever gets up and running properly. They allow users to VPN into the network.

All penny pinching, nit-picking rubbish designed to hinder the user of course! But then what about their personal development plans and reviews? Users get their own copy  that and in general store it on their personal drive on the file server. They wouldn't want to give their colleagues access to that I am sure. Or the emails calling their boss for every name under the sun at the end of a bad week. Or worse, the email their best mate sent only to them about that afternoon in the store cupboard with the maintenance manager. Of course, as IT bods we have access all areas and some of the things we see in peoples personal folders are, I am certain, meant to remain private.

Then there is the issue of the team folders. You don't want everyone to have access to the HR teams folders to see references, pay scales, discusion meeting minutes for the latest employee. Nor do you want to allow everyone access to Finance with bank account numbers etc etc.

Then there are the people who want to believe they are doing it right. A newish member of staff called me in to help, so I went to her office and sat at her desk. She went out to get coffee whilst I was there. I needed to reinstall a couple of bits and whilst sitting waiting for the machine to start up and run a couple of updates I noticed the persons notebook next to the keyboard. Now, I am not the nosey type but there staring me in the face on the top page were obviously usernames and passwords. So I had a peek and sure enough on this page were account name and password for that person. User name and password and URL for logging into the finance system. User name and password for logging into the personal records system as well as a few others.

 When the user came back I pointed this out and he said well there is so much to remember I need to write it down. I understand I said but look at it this way round. I have just come into your office and you have gone out of the office to get a cup of coffee for me cos you're a nice person. But you've left me here with your computer and all the passwords I need to cause no end of trouble or mischief. If you need to write it down I understand but do not let it out of your control, keep it in your handbag, purse, phone cover whatever just not out in open plain view.

To be fair tot he person involved she got it straight away and wasn't put out by me putting my foot down with a firm hand. She tore the pages out of her notebook there and then and salted them away in her handbag.

Not all users are so accepting mind. They want to do things their way and their way only and any other way is wrong.

Security - It doesn't matter what the geeks say and do its the general populance who are the most security lax and will always continue to be I believe

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Another Day Another Dollar Euro Pound (insert own currecy here)

So I am at hard at work!! Yeah right that's why I am writing my blog from work because I am working sooo hard!

Yesterday was manic I didn't feel like I had stopped from morn till noon. Today however is a different story completely.

Today's tasks (so far at 4 PM) Install piece of software on loan laptop so Ads can run the PA from it. Install PA drivers on laptop cos Ads didn't realise that it would need me to do that. Clean density scanner on printer.

That's it bar taking about 4 sales calls for various things. Nowt else, nothing zip and bugger all.

What a bore it is on days like this especially when I had a crappy nights sleep, waking up every couple of hours and would much rather be doing lots and keeping busy than sitting around reading things from twitter.

At least the sun is shining now though and this is a beautiful place to be when the sun is shining and not terrible when its not. The view down to the river dart is spectacular and there are even kingfishers to be seen.

Ay well I am going to go off for a walk and see if anyone grabs me to do something interesting - sometimes its worth going to find the problems rather than waiting for them to come to me

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Dartington - Its where I work

Dartington College of Arts

The wikipedia says  Dartington College of Arts is a specialist arts institution near Totnes, Devon, South West England, specialising in post-dramatic theatre, music, performance writing and visual performance, focusing on a performative and multi-disciplinary approach to the arts. In addition to this, lecturing staff are all in some way active arts practitioners. The college has an international reputation for excellence, and aims to promote a critical self awareness in contemporary arts practice, and as such is firmly entrenched in post-modernism.

View Larger Map

Its a bit of a way from home but will give me the chance to learn, get experience and hopefully do some exams too as I have lost impetus in my MCP course right now.

Its a lot of fun here very relaxed, lots of odd muso and other arty farty types and plenty of old hippies. Which is good for me cos they, in general don't have lots of IT knowledge so I am busy with both silly little issues and the larger ones too.

I took a walk yesterday and took some photos by the river Dart which I will post in the future

The main issue here is that University College Falmouth and Dartington College of Arts are due to merge. Merge is the term but it involves moving the Dartington college from Dartington Hall to a new building in Falmouth for the start of 2010 academic year. A lot of the line management has however already moved to Falmouth in advance of this move and it causes disquiet as the usual and well rehearsed ways of doing things have been forced to change.

Hopefully I can remain outside of these politics as much as possible although there are many things changing that will reduce the amount we are able to do from here as Falmouth IT support take over runnign of Active Directory and Management info systems

Still, the merger gives me hope that I can remain here till August 2010 as there will b plenty of IT issues and all the equipment will have to be moved around as well. I shall just carry on with my learning and my exams and hopefully this will be a good place to be in the meantime

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On My Own - Can I fix it?

So.................

I have a new job!!!  :-)

and now after 3 weeks I can squiggle my way into writing a bit whilst doing some work!!!

It all happened a bit quick. I got a call from my stalker (as the woman at the recruitment agency is known due to her frequency in calling when something is afoot) explaining about the job and could I call the IT manager for a chat and then poss go for an interview on Monday (this was Thursday).

Sure I said and phoned Tim the IT manager and we chatted for about 15 minutes. Mostly about stuff that has nothing to do with IT or work.

My interview was supposed to be at 10-30 but was pushed back to 2pm. I was under instructions from Tim not to wear a suit as it was not needed.

My god the problems that caused. As you know I am a large bald beardy looking type who looks ridiculous in a suit so in some ways it was a blessing but what to wear. I was like a housewife before a dinner at the Ritz. OOO cant wear that, maybe that oo no not that. In the end a black t-shirt (from the tidy end of the black t-shirt scale) and black jeans (the only 'smart' pair I have)

So I set off for Dartington via Newton Abbot to get some tyres. They couldn't do the tyres so I ended up at the college an hour and half early so I wandered around taking in the mediaeval hall and the old church and the gardens and wondered if I could be working here

Sure enough after a shortish fairly nondescript interview I was sent to the canteen while they talked about me before Tim came and said congrats and can you start now!

So there I was at work - for the firs time in 5 months - It was a good feeling.

On the Tuesday Tim left for a 20 minute meeting at 10-30 and returned at 1pm!! Then he uttered the immortal lines

Will you be ok here by yourself for the rest of the day? Ummm yeah I guess

How about the rest of the week as I have meetings all over the place? Will you're phone be on?
Yes.
Well I'll give it a go!

So that's how I ended up supporting the staff at an arts college alone after 24 hours in the job!!

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The First bits

So after a week or so we have got to the stage where the website is almost ready to be uploaded.

That's the hosting website based at sewellscomputers.com/hosting or hosting.sewellscomputers.com There have been two parts to this process. Firstly finding the template and then altering it so that I could use it and adding all our bits and bobs and secondly using the WHMCS back-end structure a much more time consuming task.

Secondly we have set up the main site’s wordpress installation and created the pages although there isn’t much content yet

Still worried

So its Monday morning – Sunday started normally, I went to football because mylove was insistent the night before that she was ok and I should go.

She didn't have a good night and in the morning after her shower she was in an awful lot of pain and started to have trouble breathing. The hospital phoned me at football and said that and that she would like me to be there to hold her hand so I went straight in  and saw her.

She was away with the fairies doped up with morphine and on oxygen. She didn't really know much of what was going on. Neither do the doctors really. Her white cell count is coming down which means the infection is lessening thanks to the anti-biotics but as her pain is getting worse they are unsure what is causing the pain. They said her ultra sound and blood tests are basically ok and they want to do a CT scan to look inside and see what's going on. A surgical blokey came along too and he again said they didn't know and they would have to find out what's what.

Later in the day she perked up and was as good as she was the day before, We read the papers and watched some silly football before playing hangman. She was doing fine until it got nearer to me leaving which is always a hard time for us both. I left her again hoping that she would be ok and that the improvement would continue who knows what today will bring.

Its a bit of a roller coaster really up and ok one hour and scarily frightening the next. But she is in the best place for all that i hate hospitals and the way they have dealt with her in the past we have faced none of the horrors of her previous visits. They are doing their best working their way through a series of steps to find out what is happening and trying to make sense of a confusing set of symptoms and test results.

Ah an update this morning the boss man came to see her and is now worried about a shadow on her ovary, annoying when several different bods have said that it had seemed ok. So she is to have an MRI scan today poor love. She hates MRI so much they give her  claustrophobia and are normally quite uncomfortable for her to be lying on the bed there. At least then they can get  a picture of her insides and hopefully it will be conclusive showing something which we can then find out what they are going to do about it.

A bright and sunny cold day, I walked the dog and talked to the sheep again. The birds were in full force today lovely birdsong all around, I hope it continues.

Delve into the scary world of teenage drinking

So I went to see step-daughter1 after leaving the hospital as she was in a right ol’ state worried about her mum  and desperately scared and out of control.

It was only 8-30 or thereabouts and she was still quite sober. She listened well to me and I calmed her down told her it would be ok and we would see her tomorrow at the hospital. I told her to make sure that she had washed away the effects of the night before before she came in and to look decent.

midnight came and I was just leaving my dads next door having sat and nattered and got rid of a lot of my stress. I wasn’t looking forward to being in the house by myself overnight. I find it very uncomfortable and I feel a little lost. I never quite know what to do with myself during those times. Anyway the phone goes and it was the 22 year old out of her mind with scaredness and alcohol insisting that she was going down to the hospital now to see her mum cos its her mum and no one can stop her and all she wants to do is to lie down next to her and sleep.

Obviously I did not want this to happen in any shape or form. I didn't want her to disturb her mum, to make a scene, to get herself in trouble etc etc. She point blank refused to listen to anything I said and in the end hung up on me.

So i ran home got the dog ( now I have no reason at all for why i got the dog but i did) put him in the boot and hot tailed to Toytown at many over the speed limit thinking great Friday night loads of plod about but I didn't get pulled thank god.

I got to the hospital and as she wasn't answering her phone I didn't quite know what i should do so i had a quick peek around and headed towards town constantly phoning (on hands free) till finally she answered. She was in the pub still and i met her out the back and watched with horror as the various emotions Anger, tears, (I know not an emotion) rage, despair, desperate attempts at self calming just flowed across her almost at will.

She was struggling to listen to me and in the end I just kept saying that if she went down to the hospital in that state she wouldn't be able to see her mum tomorrow as she would be arrested and probably banned from the hospital. I said it again and again and again. She was so distraught bless her, worried about her mum and unable to express it in a way that wasn't extreme. She doesn't want her to die wants her to be at her wedding and I did all I could to reassure that there was nothing i knew that could lead me to say that that would happen, that if i knew anything i would have told her and that all we knew was that her mum was poorly and they were doing tests and would find out and get it sorted.

We ended up going into the sweating heaving noisy mass of the perkin and what a joy it was all these pissed people bouncing off me and her and both of us bristling with emotion and anger at them. We were lucky i think that no-one really challenged us cos i think if either one of us had got challenged both would have just lost the plot. We found her girlfriend and i tried to talk to her and we ended up going out the front of the pub where all the police and bouncers were and some silly pissed tart started getting a bit lairy with me and i just let rip at her “Do i look like I'm having a good day? Just fuck off and leave us alone and get out of my face” then the daughter arrived again and she and I had a few words and she brushed me away crossly and tried to go back in the pub and the bouncer refused to let her back in again.

IN the end i left them to it. There was not much i could see to do further. They were of to a club so i hoped she would go and do that and not something stupid. I told both of them that if they needed me to ring and went home finally to go to my bed for the first time ever alone in this house i realised and tried to go to sleep. I slept in my clothes with my phone by my ear. I actually had it close cos i played a recording of my love asleep through the phone so that i would go to sleep better. It freaked the cats out cos they could hear mummy but not see her but i think it worked for me.

They didn't ring and the today she turned up at hospital happy cool calm clean and collected and a little embarrassed, not much but a little. We had a good time the three of us together feeling like a proper family for once. She aint my kid but she's the closest I've got and I am proud of her. not proud of how she was last night but proud of how she ahs changed her life around from the mayhem that it was 4 or so years ago

SO there's good news

My love went into hospital yesterday, a truly frightening thing.

We waited for admissions to phone us with a time (2pm) ignored it and wandered along about 3. No surprise, there wasn't a bed ready and  we had to wait for a few hours.

She was seen by a doctor and the registrar and had some tests, some bloods and they said they would try her on anti-biotics and see what happened. Her white count continued to be off the scale and that is a source of infection but no-one knows where it is.

She finally got settled into a bed and was for her, quite calm about it. She has had such problems in the past at hospital that I was worried that she would really struggle but she has been quite keen to be there and get this sorted out.

She was cold during the night (I thought hospitals were kept warm and toasty) and needed more blankets. Not helped by hot flushes which make her feel cold really quickly too.

Today she had more examinations and an ultra sound which showed nothing unusual. She has a cyst on her ovary which they aren’t worried about but everything else was ok. Her blood tests showed the white count beginning to come down which is great news as it means that the anti-biotics are beginning to do their thing so hopefully this won’t last too much longer

She is  feeling a little better and I am feeling a lot less worried.

The Bear of Riverfordness

Thanks to Abby at www.bubsbears.com we have a new bear for promotional purposes.

Here he is in his wondrous

Scared Frightened Frightened scared scared frightened scared

 

So today my love will get further results from the doctor to see if her white blood count has gone down and therefore whatever it is that her body is fighting has magically disappeared thanks to the anti-biotics.

This is highly unlikely as she is still feeling pretty rotten and her glands are still up so the next thing that happens is that she goes into hospital.

OH MY FUCKING GOD

Hospitals and mylove are not a good combination. She used to be a nurse and gets very frustrated and frightened. Its no wonder, seeing as when she had her double mastectomy they didn't give her any of her usual medication after the op despite us pointing out that she is normally on stronger painkillers than a lot of people are on after the operation anyway normally. So she suffered withdrawal and immense pain and a stupid health care assistant who tried to pick her up by her armpits a few hours after a double mastectomy.

Second time in we had exactly the same situation with regard to the medication despite attempting to ensure that it did not happen again. They failed her in so many ways. They didn't empty her catheter bag until it had back filled her kidney and caused an infection. Nurses handled her medication, she was neglected horribly despite me being there for as long as i possibly could be.

We complained the second time and it was completely washed away, it just didn't happen everything we said was disputed even to the point of one nurse ‘not being on duty’ when we had a photo of the med sheet showing her signing of the meds that day. It left us baffled and annoyed.

Not surprisingly she is determined in her wish never to go back and has got herself into a state at the thought of this happening all over again. My worry is that that will occur again and I will support her throughout that as i did before. But I am more scared that she is going to have to have an operation again. They have said before that they don't want to give her a general anaesthetic ever again unless it is life threatening as she has such a bad reaction to it and had such a bad time coming out of the anaesthetic last time. I am just so scared that she won’t come back that she will leave me on the bed on the way to her operation and i will never see her again. I cannot begin to explain even to myself how scared that makes me I am so terrified that i cannot even talk about it. I worry so much about it that I am terrified as to what my reaction at that time to her will be especially as it could be the last time she sees me too and I must give the most support that I possibly can.

I love her so much I can’t bear the thought of losing her. I would be so empty without her she makes me whole on so many ways and completes my world. How could I possibly get through that grieving process without her. She is the one who helps me get through life itself.

Oh fuck it

Peoples

I have had lovely texts and phonecalls, emails and posts on my Facebook page and even on my Twitter from lots of people congratulating me on my exam pass.

It is lovely to know that people are there and that they care about me and share in my success. The mohican’d step daughter called too. “What the fuck is MCP” she said followed by “do you want to but some advertising” Bless her, I am really chuffed with how she is turning her life around from a difficult early adulthood. I was very worried that she would go right off the rails and end up in a very dark and horrible place. In fact to be fair she has been in some fairly rotten situations and hasn’t made very good choices in what she did but now she is doing well and I am a proud daddy

From parents and aunties, step mums and friends new and old and even some of the recruitment agencies who hold my CV I have had lots of congrats. Don’t know how I am supposed to accept them other than saying thanks, it makes me feel a bit embarrassed to be honest but it is good I know.

TFI Friday

Well not actually thank fuck!! Been a strange quiet sort of day. I updated my CV to show the letters after my name and uploaded it to all the relevant job sites that have made my CV searchable

Gonna go off on a a tangent here. FFS some of these sites are really good. Obviously I am concentrating on IT based sites like CW Jobs  and IT job board but I also look through Jobsite , Indeed and CV Library. I have these set up to send me emails when jobs are listed on their site following criteria that I give them. Generally this is “support” or “Field” in the title and 40 miles from where I am (near M5 on Somerset Devon border) Today's jobs from CV library? A Commis chef in Sherborne and a Recruitment consultant in Bridport I mean come on what the fuck use is that to me?

However I applied for some jobs as well (sensible ones) A couple of support jobs in Exeter and one in Weston, both are within hitting distance and had a phonecall from an agency for one of the Exeter ones. It is a 2nd line post covering for someone who is due to have an operation and will be off work for 3 months from sometime in March. I think I said all the right things and she seemed pleased enough to pass me on to the employer so that's the first step passed.

I do quite well with that step, I seem to get my CV on to the employers and then it stops or falls flat. We will see what the new improved CV does (I do have letters after my name now after all!!) I have tweaked it to show more self-employed IT help and less delivery man

Other than that the day was spent doing very little. Turned off radio 5 when they started talking about cancer genetics cos mylove couldn't cope with it.

Done doed it and passed

Took my 70-271 exam today - Supporting Users and Troubleshooting a Microsoft Windows XP Operating System.

Had to drive to Bawdrip to the BIBIC place and the training centre is located within the large manor house there, through endless corridors, doors and stairs.

Into a little room I went with about 6 workstations all carefully hidden from each other in booths.

After a careful run through of how to use the testing station and signing a form saying that I won’t steal the answers or do other bad things I sat down and started.

Trepidation, nerves and all I felt strangely calm and started at the beginning and went through them one by one reading everything carefully. I tried my best not to talk myself out of the right answers. Sometimes I knew straight away what the answer was but sometimes I took a strategic guess, having knocked the options down (thats the nice bit of having multiple choices) I completely guessed only one answer where I had not the faintest idea what it was and none of the answers could be counted out.

I went through every answer twice at the end but actually that was more difficult as it was easy to go “well, it could be that one actually” but I counted the ones i DEFINETLY knew were right and got to 70% which was a pass so I thought I was there or thereabouts

I pushed end to finish and there was an unbelievable long wait for the next screen which had me really worried. I thought it might have all crashed as there was just a white screen in front of me and nothing showing that anything was hapening but the cogs obviously whirred and then i was given the opportunity to send feedback to Microsoft, though it wasnt anonymous!!! I chose not to and then had another long wait although I was more confident this time and hten it said congratulations so I knew I was ok.

I got 899 out of 1000, which having answered 49 questions I presume that I got 5 wrong!

So hurrah and hooray although I can’t say that I am feeling particularly great about it. My love got a bit miffed cos I was just like yeah its done, its passed. She wanted me to be all excited but I just feel numb. Yes I know its great that I passed but I still don’t have a job yet which is a bind and we still dont know what is wrong with her either so thats hanging over the whole thing.

I told my mum that i now had letters after my name and the letters were MCP she thinks they should be McP but thats just cos its her name!! SHe thinks thats really funny though which is cool

Some results are in but the questions remain

My love went to the doctor yesterday to have some swabs taken for more tests. She was in with the  doctor for about 45 minutes an interminable time to be sat outside waiting! I sat reading magazines of no particular interest to me and ignored the flotsam around me. I did a good job of protracting a “fuck off and leave me alone” aura.

Surprisingly he had some results back from her blood tests last week which show that she has a super high white cell count which shows an infection or inflammation of some sort somewhere. However it doesn’t narrow down the source of the problem so hopefully the swabs will do the trick.

He has put her on some hefty anti-biotics to try and fight the infection and increased her oxycontin even more so today she is a  bit zombiefied

The cogs run so slow and it is extraordinarily frustrating to have to wait and wait while she continues to feel so poorly and is suffering so much. I know that she is worried and scared and that that will continue for a while yet till we know what is going on.

D-Day minus One

So I am one day from my exam now and everything should be snagged surely and safely in my brain. I am not entirely sure that it is. I have been dong well in my practice exams and am confident in a fair bit of the course but there are some bits that don't seem to want to sink in.

The pass rate is around 70% and I hope I have done enough to pass tomorrow because I don’t want to have to retake the exam.

Today however I have been alternating between taking exams and tagging my music with musicbrainz. Simply put it goes through your music files and tags them correctly. Excellent for me who has a lot of music that has been copied off of cds early on before all the tags were added correctly

Fire on the motorway

Fire on M5 – last night it was strange to see al the cars stopped on the motorway due to the fire on a lorry it closed the motorway for many hours and we could see the stop lights of the cars across the fields from our house

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Exam worries

Am I too focused on practice exams? I worry that I won’t be able to answer the questions in the real exam (Thursday 19th Feb)

I have done quite well in the practice exams. I was given one by my tutor which had 180 odd questions in it and used Visual Cert Manager to change the PDF file to a practice exam because I found that when I scrolled donw the page on the pdf file i could often see the answer which made it a bit pointless really.

I have run through this exam many times generally in blocks of 40 randomly generated by Visual Cert Manager and keep passing so thats a good thing but am I just memeroising answers? (pssibly for some) will the real exam be anything liek the practices? I have no idea and perhaps thats the problem I haven’t done anexam for so many years, I am 37 now and the last exam was when I was 19 which i failed miserably at uni and then left uni never to return

Arrrggghh I hate it i hate this feeling of uncertainty and I have absolutely no co

nfidence in myself which isnt a great place to be going into an exam

And so it begins

a new blog a new time and a scary one.

The start of a new year. Yeah I know its February :-)

I have no job, I am studying busily to get my Microsoft certified qualifications and applying for jobs all over the place without any success yet.

My lady is very poorly and today we go to the doctors again to have some more tests before we can find out exactly what (else) is wrong.

Scared? I’m fucking terrified. Although for years we have known that she will go long before me due to her strange and rare illness, now we head into a time when there might be something more wrong that will bring it to the fore much quicker. Of course right now we are at a point when we don’t know anything other than that she is hurting and tests are being done but as is the human way I prepare myself for the worst. The brain can easily make a mountain out of nothing and what we don’t know is always worse than what we do.

I can’t work out how I am, I can’t work out how to support my love and her family. I’m not doing a very good job right now. I feel all alone in some ways and don’t know how to get around it.

I want to What Is Right.

I always do, I try to live my life by don the right thing making the right choices and have  a strong view of the way things should be done but this is countered by my unforgiving honesty. If you ask me my opinion I will give it – truly and honestly from the heart and impulsively

But I am so messed up I don;t know how to balance those two. When asked about the problems of a teenage step-daughter I gave my opinion and then found myself stuck in a place where everything  I did and said was wrong and made it worse. Am I wrong to feel anxious when I feel like a stranger in my own home, when I am pushed out from my normal routines, routines that help me to keep going, routines that I know I HAVE to do to stop me from plunging into a deep dark abyss that is all to close and that scares me so much? No I am not wrong in that but I am wrong to let that interfere with the security that my wife feels when she is going through such a scary time. I am wrong when it affects a 17 year old girl who feels alone in the world and abandoned from her adults. That balancing act failed this weekend and has caused a huge rift that is taking some overcoming.

Can it be resolved? yes it can but Bob the builder aside it is going to be a difficult, awkward even and easily derailed I think. It is difficult to be accused of not giving support to someone who is not interested in talking to me, who has no trust in me and who is plagued by teenagerness – instant gratification – always right – poor at taking criticism (perhaps that's not teenagernesss we are all bad at that i think) It leaves me feeling useless and unable to do What Is Right.

And so the day begins