And so it begins

a new blog a new time and a scary one.

The start of a new year. Yeah I know its February :-)

I have no job, I am studying busily to get my Microsoft certified qualifications and applying for jobs all over the place without any success yet.

My lady is very poorly and today we go to the doctors again to have some more tests before we can find out exactly what (else) is wrong.

Scared? I’m fucking terrified. Although for years we have known that she will go long before me due to her strange and rare illness, now we head into a time when there might be something more wrong that will bring it to the fore much quicker. Of course right now we are at a point when we don’t know anything other than that she is hurting and tests are being done but as is the human way I prepare myself for the worst. The brain can easily make a mountain out of nothing and what we don’t know is always worse than what we do.

I can’t work out how I am, I can’t work out how to support my love and her family. I’m not doing a very good job right now. I feel all alone in some ways and don’t know how to get around it.

I want to What Is Right.

I always do, I try to live my life by don the right thing making the right choices and have  a strong view of the way things should be done but this is countered by my unforgiving honesty. If you ask me my opinion I will give it – truly and honestly from the heart and impulsively

But I am so messed up I don;t know how to balance those two. When asked about the problems of a teenage step-daughter I gave my opinion and then found myself stuck in a place where everything  I did and said was wrong and made it worse. Am I wrong to feel anxious when I feel like a stranger in my own home, when I am pushed out from my normal routines, routines that help me to keep going, routines that I know I HAVE to do to stop me from plunging into a deep dark abyss that is all to close and that scares me so much? No I am not wrong in that but I am wrong to let that interfere with the security that my wife feels when she is going through such a scary time. I am wrong when it affects a 17 year old girl who feels alone in the world and abandoned from her adults. That balancing act failed this weekend and has caused a huge rift that is taking some overcoming.

Can it be resolved? yes it can but Bob the builder aside it is going to be a difficult, awkward even and easily derailed I think. It is difficult to be accused of not giving support to someone who is not interested in talking to me, who has no trust in me and who is plagued by teenagerness – instant gratification – always right – poor at taking criticism (perhaps that's not teenagernesss we are all bad at that i think) It leaves me feeling useless and unable to do What Is Right.

And so the day begins