So today my love will get further results from the doctor to see if her white blood count has gone down and therefore whatever it is that her body is fighting has magically disappeared thanks to the anti-biotics.
This is highly unlikely as she is still feeling pretty rotten and her glands are still up so the next thing that happens is that she goes into hospital.
OH MY FUCKING GOD
Hospitals and mylove are not a good combination. She used to be a nurse and gets very frustrated and frightened. Its no wonder, seeing as when she had her double mastectomy they didn't give her any of her usual medication after the op despite us pointing out that she is normally on stronger painkillers than a lot of people are on after the operation anyway normally. So she suffered withdrawal and immense pain and a stupid health care assistant who tried to pick her up by her armpits a few hours after a double mastectomy.
Second time in we had exactly the same situation with regard to the medication despite attempting to ensure that it did not happen again. They failed her in so many ways. They didn't empty her catheter bag until it had back filled her kidney and caused an infection. Nurses handled her medication, she was neglected horribly despite me being there for as long as i possibly could be.
We complained the second time and it was completely washed away, it just didn't happen everything we said was disputed even to the point of one nurse ‘not being on duty’ when we had a photo of the med sheet showing her signing of the meds that day. It left us baffled and annoyed.
Not surprisingly she is determined in her wish never to go back and has got herself into a state at the thought of this happening all over again. My worry is that that will occur again and I will support her throughout that as i did before. But I am more scared that she is going to have to have an operation again. They have said before that they don't want to give her a general anaesthetic ever again unless it is life threatening as she has such a bad reaction to it and had such a bad time coming out of the anaesthetic last time. I am just so scared that she won’t come back that she will leave me on the bed on the way to her operation and i will never see her again. I cannot begin to explain even to myself how scared that makes me I am so terrified that i cannot even talk about it. I worry so much about it that I am terrified as to what my reaction at that time to her will be especially as it could be the last time she sees me too and I must give the most support that I possibly can.
I love her so much I can’t bear the thought of losing her. I would be so empty without her she makes me whole on so many ways and completes my world. How could I possibly get through that grieving process without her. She is the one who helps me get through life itself.
Oh fuck it
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